One of the fun things about flying is looking at the
magazines, particularly the Skymall magazine to see what hare-brained goods
marketers have come up with lately to try to sell to materialistic (and bored)
airplane passengers. A good
portion of the merchandise is good for a laugh for any number of reasons.
1. The
product is so simple that anyone could make it themselves.
2. The
product claims to provide the answer to a problem the passenger didn’t know
they had, and, with ordinary intelligence, can survive very well without.
3. The
product is aimed at someone with diehard enthusiasm for some pop culture icon
or sports team.
4. The
product is aimed at someone so stressed that they imagine it will provide
relief even though they probably will not use it more than five times in their
life.
Let us examine some of these objects.
The abominable Snowman Yeti Statue. How did we ever LIVE without an
abominable snowman yeti statue for our front yard? We will perish
without one!
The UP bracelet.
This is a system + app that tracks how you sleep, move, and eat 24/7 so
you can know yourself better and make smarter choices. This asks us to believe that
rather than pay attention to what we are doing, we can outsource our brains. Do we really need a bracelet and app to
tell us we are eating too much sugar or are not exercising enough?
The car-shaped wireless mouse. $49.99. The
people writing this description must have been scraping the bottom of the
barrel. The function of a computer
mouse shaped and painted like an iconic car is to “create auto envy”? They ask us to believe that we
will provoke envy in other people with this device? Pfffffft.
Full-sized cars create auto-envy, not computer mice. Now, if it said it would create "computer mouse envy," that might be a little more believable.
The wine-holder shoe.
$36. This is strange on at least two levels. First, it is a holder
for wine bottles that is made to look like a high-heeled shoe (because, as we
all know, wine and high-heeled shoes go together). Yes, those shoes are the most natural way to keep your
bottle upright. (Stand it up on
its bottom? Never!) Second, because this high-heeled shoe
is painted with your favorite professional sports team logo and colors.
What's actually going to happen is the girly wine drinkers will look at it and say, "The sports logo just ruined it. Can I get one in red with rhinestones?" and the manly wine drinkers will look at it and say, "Love the sports logo. Hate the high-heeled shoe." The only chance the marketers have is if the manly wine drinkers look at it and say, "I'll order one with the Broncos and then I'll give it to the wife for her birthday. She loves high heels." (For the love of Mike, DON'T DO IT! DON'T DO IT! You'll be sleeping on the couch for a week!)
Your name written in the sand. $39. They have to include a picture for this
one because text about will probably just make you angry. You send them two names (up to 12
characters each) and they will create a print featuring those two names written
in the sand (with a heart around it). They will print this picture on 13”X15”,
frame it, and send it to you.
They are hoping that airplane passengers still don’t know how to use a
digital camera and Walgreens’ photo center and know how to buy their own frame.
Feel Cooler bedding.
This supposedly responds and adapts to changes in your skin temperature,
helping to prevent overheating.
They hope that people will not think of a much cheaper solution—removing
your blankets. Even children are skilled enough to kick off their covers while asleep.
LinenLOCK Sheet Holders. This is supposed to keep top and fitted sheets in
place. Honestly, when I look at
the device, I can’t tell just how they are supposed to attach. I’m not even sure why I need
this. I can straighten my own
sheets, thank you. If I’m worried
about my fitted sheets coming off, I can sew some $3 elastic to the corners to
make the pocket deeper.
Portible Security Door Device. This looks like a combination between a car jack and a
worktable vice, but it is smaller than either and painted candy-apple red. It is supposed to keep people from
barging in the door. If you
fall for this one, it is because you’ve never tried to keep people out of a hotel
room with a deadbolt lock, which is plenty effective on its own. But if your door doesn’t have a
deadbolt, it is time to move the dresser.
And really, if you feel so unsafe, why are you sleeping there in the
first place?
The step-sensor fingerprint-proof trash can. $199. This has electronic sensors and keeps the lid open 4 seconds
after you step on the pedals. It
has not one, but THREE pedals. The
lid will stay open if you double-tap the sensor. And it has a carbon filter for odor control. Come on, people, save yourself
some money and get the $10 trash can from Walmart. All it needs is a lid and one pedal. You don’t
need a carbon filter; lids automatically control odor. And if you need the lid to stay open 5
minutes, you don’t need a computer to do it for you; just take the lid
off.
The travel Hoodie Pillow. They take a pillow and sew a hood onto it like a hoodie
sweater. This is supposedly for
comfort and privacy, because as you know, it would be unthinkable for someone
else to see the back of our head while we are sleeping.
The One-of-a-kind shirt. $129. This is a
guy’s shirt, made from 10 different fabrics and it is meant to demonstrate the
wearer is a individual. The
customer is told they will not know what their shirt looks like until it comes
in the mail, but we see three sample pictures of these shirts and they are
all….HIDEOUS. Pink, black,
and pin-striped fabrics mixed together?
Blah. (insert vomit noises here)
I think it much more likely that some shirt factory had extra pieces and
needed something to do with them.
Or they were up-cycled.
Wireless call notifier. This is a key-chain like device that hangs on the outside of
your purse and flashes when you get a call on your cell phone. Because, as we all know, even though
women miss 50% of their calls when their cell phone is in their purse, they also stare at their purse constantly.
Sunlight 365.
$60. This is a light you
set up in front of you that lets you “soak up up the benefits of natural
sunlight in doors, anytime of the year without UV rays.” I have an idea. How about we all GO OUTSIDE and soak up
the benefits of natural sunlight for FREE! And if you are worried about UV rays, put some sunscreen
on. And if it is night time, how about
turning some lights on?
Freestanding mesh gate $199. “Finally, a gate that keeps your pet safely confined and your sense of style
intact.” Because as we all
know, houses are extremely dangerous places to keep pets and they have to kept
away from all those live wires, spinning saw blades, and waving spatulas in the
kitchen. Or.. you could just keep
the pets outside in the first place..
Rejuvenating Oxygen Bar. $500. Allows
you to breathe clean, fresh oxygen-enriched air anytime. If you don’t get enough oxygen
where you are, it is time to leave.
I recommend pulling your face out of the water.
Ultraviolet Shoe Deodorizer. $99. “Stop
smelly shoes!” Better yet, stop
smelling shoes, yours and other people’s. Since when did shoe-smelling become a practice?
NetChef $279.
This is an electronic device shaped vaguely like a Rolodex. Supposedly 2000 receipes are available,
cooking videos, cooking apps, famous cooking websites, music, movies, photos,
social media, browser…
I have an idea. How about
if you save yourself $300 and just bring your laptop into the kitchen? What? You say you’re worried about
spilling on it? Well, if you’re
worried about spilling on your laptop, you’ll probably be worried about
spilling on the NetChef too.
